post-happiness

guy at party #1- I hate this song.

guy at party #2 - It's not so bad.  I wouldn't say I hate it.

guy at party #1- Yeah, that's true.


                                                   (created using final draft 2016)

I Used to train the Ninja

     Back in the day when we used to pretend to be Ninjas and Contras in the woods I was the "Master Trainer"  for the ninja team.  This mostly meant I would make kids punch trees and throw Chinese stars at trees and try to climb trees silently.  Being a ninja is mostly the art of dominance over trees.  The Contra kids were probably cooler because they lived (and trained) by the ocean.  We talked about having huge battles and why our team would win but we only ever had one battle with about 15 kids and it was over real quick when a contra kid threw a Chinese star at a ninja and it almost hit him in the leg.
     Two other ninjas actually punched the contra and so we had to call it off cause we didn't want anyone to get in trouble.

              p.s. Ninjas would have won because the contra kids never trained in hand-to-hand combat.  Only knowing how to use guns would be their ultimate downfall once a ninja disarmed him.

PLAYSTATION 4 VS XBOX ONE

Bunch of dudes at school keep going on about what is better and who is getting what console and shit like that when I remind them of the fact that I can look at boobs on my iphone WHILE I'M fishing in real life.  What the fuck if I'm going to start posting shit like that I might as well do a twitter instead. (my dad took me fishing once and caught me looking at the boobs on the phone)
                                           

                               Long story short, buy an Iphone and spend time with your dad.
                                        Or my dad.  whatevs.............

My mom killed my iguana yesterday.

     Holy shit I should call the cops on her.  I'm not one of those creeps that calls his mom a bitch or any shit like that.  I like my mom a lot. She's pretty cool.  Until yesterday her one big flaw was that she gave birth to my mentally sub-normal brother.
      Anyway she thought lizards like the sun so she put it outside in its' glass tank and it got all dried out and died.  It's pretty much a paperweight now. Anyway in honor of Zelda the iguana who I had for almost three weeks before my career-minded super mom killed it I'm gonna write a poem.  If you think poems are gay and queer just pretend there's a guy in the room with me and he's beat boxing and I'm spittin' mad flavor.

                                                                    ZELDA
                                                          by Miami Jefferson

 Zelda was my pet lizard for a week or two

  My mom killed her so damn hard and now I'm Blue

  Someday I'll get another pet, a dog,a fish,or bat

  But I won't get another Iguana.

   Iguanas are boring as fuck and eat weird pink shit

   They look badass but are smelly like rotten fruit

                                             

Goodbye Buddy, I'll miss you.  And thanks mom, for teaching me an important lesson about the circle of life.

I come from a long line of stupid

My dad just told us that Nelson Mandela was dead and I swear to god my fucking older brother said "the guy from Deal or No Deal?"  This is my bloodline? I admit I kind of got him confused with Desmond Tutu myself but not Howie Mandell for christs sake. Anyway I'm glad it went down like that because we were spared my dad being all phony and sad and shit and we just made fun of my idiot brother for like an hour or so. 

Rip Howie Mandela

My friend's dog is an asshole

The other day we were playing scrabble or some other bullshit game because he was grounded from his X-BOX and he stupid dog cam in through the doggy door and started licking his face and then took off.  I sunk his battleship or whatever and when I turned to gloat at him there was fucking BLOOD all over his face.  It was sick.  I puked like thirty times. Turns out his stupid dog had killed some rabbit babies and half-ate them and was so happy that it cam in and licked the dude's face.  We decide that the dog was grounded from X-BOX too for being such an asshole.


                           

Why I am so messed up.

When I was younger my dad would always listen to the same two cd's.  Kenny Rodgers and Anne Murray fucked me up pretty hard.  My english teacher has never even heard of anne murray and she's in her 30's!  (my mom listens to The Police and goddamn Beyonce so she wasn't much help..)  I would link an Anne Murray song but I don't think anyone from her generation knows how to upload one to youtube.....


Thanks to my dad I know all the words to all of these two assholes songs...